Just because someone desires you does not mean that they value you
There exists a chasm between being wanted and being valued—a distance as vast as that between thirst and nourishment, between appetite and appreciation. You must learn to discern the difference, for your soul’s survival depends upon it.
Someone may desire you with an intensity that feels like devotion. Their eyes may burn with longing. Their words may drip with need. But desire, left alone, is merely hunger wearing the mask of love. And hunger does not ask what you need—it only knows what it wants to consume.
The one who values you sees beyond the surface of their own cravings. They recognize that you are not merely an object to satisfy their emptiness, but a soul with depths to be honored, dreams to be supported, and a journey to be respected. Value asks, “How can I contribute to your flourishing?” Desire asks only, “How can you fill my void?”
Consider the field that is merely harvested versus the field that is tended. Desire harvests. It takes what it wants when the fruit is ripe, then moves on when the season ends. Value tends. It prepares the soil, plants with intention, waters through drought, and protects what it has cultivated. Value understands that true abundance comes not from taking, but from nurturing.
You were not created to be consumed. You were created to be cherished.
When someone desires you but does not value you, you will feel it in the hollowness of their attention. They will seek you in their lack but disappear in your need. They will celebrate you when you serve their narrative, but grow silent when you require their sacrifice. They will know your body but remain strangers to your burdens. They will crave your presence but resent your problems.
This is not love. This is not even respect. This is simply someone attempting to extract from you what they have failed to cultivate within themselves.
The wise person guards their heart not with walls, but with discernment. They do not confuse intensity with integrity, nor passion with purpose. They understand that being desired is easy—we can be desired for our beauty, our utility, our ability to make someone feel less alone in their darkness. But being valued? That requires someone who has done the inner work to recognize worth beyond their own wanting.
Stand firm in your understanding of your own value. You are not a temporary remedy for someone else’s permanent emptiness. You are not a supporting character in someone else’s story of self-discovery. You are not a mirror meant only to reflect back what others wish to see.
You are a whole universe—complex, deep, worthy of exploration not exploitation. And you deserve someone who approaches you not as a conqueror approaches territory, but as a student approaches wisdom: with reverence, patience, and a genuine desire to understand rather than simply to possess.
Let them desire you if they must. But never, ever settle for someone who desires you without valuing you. In that arrangement, you will find yourself perpetually giving while slowly disappearing, perpetually available while remaining fundamentally unseen.
You deserve more. You are worth more. And the moment you truly believe this, you will stop accepting crumbs of desire from those who should be offering feasts of value.
Article By Dr. Samuel N. Jacobs-Abbey